When He Just Isn't That Into You
You probably opened this post with someone in mind. Yeah, you know who he is. The guy you secretly hope is at the same bar that you both frequent; the guy you hope is the one texting you, but it's really your mom; the guy you've cried about because you know at your hearts core that he simply isn't into you but maybe if he hangs out with you one more time he will change his mind. So you obsess. You ask, "What's wrong with me?" and buy new makeup and a new outfit, brush up on articles that help you "catch the man of your dreams". It's a miserable state to be in and my heart goes out to women who know too well this painful feeling of unrequited love.
Fun fact about me: I was a date coach and a matchmaker straight out of college. Clients would pay a fair amount of moola for the advice I will give you guys and gals for free.
When You Are Hooking Up But You Want More
Men are pretty straight forward creatures. What they say (or don't say) is usually what they mean. So read the signs and DON'T fabricate them to match your fantasies. If he texts you on a Friday night at midnight or even 8 or 9 wanting you to come over, he only wants the puss puss. If he doesn't ask you on a real date, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. (Side note: The guy buying you a couple of drinks and mozzarella sticks at a bar once upon a time doesn't equal a real date). If you have never met his friends, a relationship is not on the horizon. If he says he just got out of a relationship and isn't looking for anything right now he's a) being honest or b) he's a lying bastard and wants a scapegoat for his bad behavior. Here's a pro tip, listen to his actions, not his words. Take his actions to heart and you will help your sweet, tender emotions out in ways you can't imagine. Don't convince yourself that he will grow to want you. If a guy wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you, he will move heaven and earth to make it happen. Here's the thing you need to remember, if he doesn't want you in that way, it's on him and doesn't reflect one ounce of your worth. He is immature and noncommittal - leave your Peter Pan in Never Neverland. Mr. Darcy lives at Pemberley so head to your proverbial English countryside. You are stunning, lovely and worthy of great love and if someone doesn't see that, it's on them. It's up to you to find your self worth and tell the son of a gun to hit the road if he doesn't see you as the goddess you are.
When He Sees You as Just A Friend
This one is a hard one. Most of us aren’t supermodels yet we are attracted to them. I hate to say this, but it’s true: some men or women are just plain out of our league. Setting realistic expectations isn’t settling, it shows signs of maturity, growth and takes you one step closer to finding a great partner in life.
Consider this scenario: You long for someone so much Taylor Swift basically stole lyrics out of your journal, yet they don't see you as anything more than a friend. It's unrequited love at its finest. This is going to sound harsh, but he truly isn't into you and you need to move on. Download Bumble, text an old flame, go to a bar and talk to a new guy. Whatever you do, move on from this guy. Is this scenario a pattern for you? Then maybe it's a great time for you to see if your expectations need adjusting. If someone is a sexy, professional baseball player, he's probably going to go with someone who shares his gym interests, eating habits and when it comes down to it, matches what he looks like physically. It's a gut punch, I know, but it's the science of sex appeal . I used to have clients (both men and women) who wanted someone completely out of their league. A 40 something year old woman who was filthy rich wanted a sexy billionaire who was 32 and wanted to have kids with her. But in reality, the sexy 32 year old billionaire wanted a sexy 23 year old with a tight body. It sucks, it's painful, but realizing this will let you find the love you deserve.
Adjusting your expectations isn't a bad thing, it's probably the best thing you can do for yourself. Once you step out of the "what my S.O. should look like" fantasy, that's when you're going to find the love of your life. Give a guy who might be looking at you the same way you're looking at your crush a chance. Attraction is a funny thing, it grows and changes as you get to know someone until you find him/her the most attractive human being in the world.
So What Now
No one likes to hear things that they don't want to hear. Many times I had to open the eyes of my clients before they could have a successful relationship. You must analyze your situation and expectations and not live in a rose colored version of what you want. Take the guy at his word and actions. If you want more from a guy than a hook up, move on from said guy. If you're ok with the situation, go ahead girl. The point of this post is to let you see what you deserve. You deserve a guy who wants you the moment he starts getting to know you. You deserve a person who will set a time and place for a "real date" and stick to it. You deserve a guy who wants your body and soul, so why waste your precious energy on a man who only sees you as a living sex doll? You are worth so much more than that.
This is an actual assignment I used to give to clients to help them get on the right track to love. Get a piece of paper and write down 7 things you want in a person. Then write down 7 mirroring things you think this imaginary person would want in their mate. Keep this piece of paper in your wallet and reference it whenever you need to. One of the only good tips I got from college christian organizations was, "If you want a queen, then you better be a king." Work on yourself, sign up for a work out class right now and get those endorphins going. Set up a date with your girlfriends to get dressed up and feel fabulous. Life is so much more than a guy that doesn't see true gem that you are.